S4E51: “If you reveal, you heal” x Ryan Hil

“I just want to get into some ‘good trouble’.”   – Ryan Hill, Black, same-race adoptee

For as long as Ryan could remember, he always knew that he was adopted. His mother was a social worker who also  worked at The Cradle, an Illinois adoption agency, for 10 years.  She would often hold him close and softly speak the words, “we want you,” into his ear.  Ryan felt special and internalized that he was “chosen.”  

While his mother was very intentional about demonstrating her love and support through open conversation, she opted to not have other family members to speak about adoption at all.  This left Ryan feeling “othered,” and unprepared with how to navigate being Black, male, and adopted in the all-white neighborhood in which he grew up.  The compounding of these identities brought about shame, feelings of abandonment and rejection, and ultimately depression.  

At the age of 13, Ryan’s overwhelming emotions had him believing that life was no longer worth living.  And while he didn’t make any attempts on his life at that time, the thoughts of suicide ebbed and flowed, even into adulthood.  Fortunately, he found the creative outlet of DJ’ing to assist him through challenging times.

Eventually, Ryan embarks on a search and reunion process to learn more about his origin story.  What he uncovers is enough to re-traumatize him!  Instead, he places himself at choice to fortify relationships with his adoptive family, accept the complexities of his biological family, and vows to unapologetically speak the truth in his advocacy for adoptees' voices to be heard so that they don’t become statistics.

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RECOMMENDED ADOPTION RESOURCES

• LISTEN: Voices of the Black Adoption Experience and African American adoptees on ⁠⁠⁠The Black Adoption Podcast⁠⁠⁠

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