How is your baggage from the past affecting your relationships?
Since we’re human, we have a tendency to bring past hurts and traumas into our relationships. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there…
We then project our junk to the other person, and next thing you know it’s their fault and the blame game starts.
We both know that’s no way to build great relationships and enjoy a fulfilling life.
On today’s episode of the Coming Up Clutch with J.R.™ show, I sit down with Dr. Stephen Galloza – clinical mental health counselor, psychotherapist, and one of the top EMDR specialists in the world. “Dr. G” is relied upon heavily by celebrities, billionaires, and some of the most powerful and successful people in the world.
He gets paid top dollar to help successful people take their decades of junk out to the trash.
In this latest episode, Dr. G and I talk about…
- The keys necessary to transition from surviving to thriving after experiencing trauma
- How to proactively prevent your past traumas from wreaking havoc on your current relationship
- How to transition more effectively from things like failures, difficult conversations, or a tough day at work
…and so much more, including a bonus nugget for parents.
If you want to learn more about how to overcome your past so you can thrive in your future, then lock in to today’s episode.
[00:01 – 10:48] Introducing Dr. Stephen Galloza (Dr. G) to the show
- Dr. G’s most embarrassing moment
- Dr. G’s background, story, and professional journey
[10:49 – 24:44] The keys necessary to transition from surviving to thriving after experiencing trauma
- Trauma is not just a psychological experience, it’s a physiological one
- Trauma = The brain perceives something as a threat or a loss, then that thing transitions from an event to an experience that’s re-lived and reenacted
- Trauma is not just something that’s remembered. It’s reenacted in the body. Your body keeps the score. (Dr. G talks about how patients, upon recall of the event, have bodily reactions – e.g. feeling the cortisol, adrenaline, anxiety, etc.)
- Trauma is “not your fault.” (Shame and guilt are byproducts of trauma)
- You can’t fight trauma alone – start with community and wise teachers…people who can listen to your story and validate you (instead of reinforcing shame and guilt)
- When you know you need to resolve your trauma, but are too ashamed to talk about it…
- First recognize that fear is a symptom of the trauma (F.E.A.R. = false evidence appearing real)
- Then, realize that you are not the trauma – this is a set of physiological things that are occurring in my body
- Then, you must willingly lean into your story and make the choice that you’re going to rise above this season of life (Dr. G: It’s always going to come down to a choice)
- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a modality to help resolve trauma
- You can experience wisdom from your pain and suffering when you allow yourself permission to sit with it
[24:45 – 35:27] How to proactively prevent your past traumas from wreaking havoc on your current relationship
- Context:
- Traumatic symptoms are not caused by their triggering event. They’re caused by your spouse…they stem from frozen residue of energy that’s been unresolved and un-discharged. This residue remains trapped in the nervous system and it wreaks havoc on our minds and bodies.
- People bring their traumas into the relationship and then project to the other spouse, “It’s your fault.” But what’s really happening is that residue of energy is surfacing with all kinds of different symptoms (like a virus).
- The ego is preventing us from self-evaluation, which then opens the door for projection.
- Your brain is meant to heal itself. So, if we can get out of the pattern of avoidance and denial and get quiet enough to sit with what’s bothering us (i.e. observe our thoughts, sit with our feelings, recognize you’re not the voice in your head, you’re not the thoughts you’re thinking…you’re the listener and observer). So…
- Strategy:
- Watch. Look at all the traffic. At some point during this rest/quiet time/meditation, your brain goes into self-correction mode.
- Sit with nature, get quiet, allow yourself to breathe, etc.
- The key here is REST. When we don’t rest, it’s part of the avoidance trap. And when we avoid it, we store it in the hypothalamus part of our brain (like hoarding stuff in our home), thus creating a very narrow pathway for us to do life
- Psycho-biological side note. Our REM sleep gets affected by trauma, depression, and anxiety because we don’t enter into those deep stages of sleep when we’re dealing with them. And when that’s affected, we’re essentially programming our body to store negative stories and trauma, and leading to things like insomnia.
- Oxygen is dispensable to life. We live on every breath we take. Rest is indispensable to living a meaningful and productive life. God instituted it as a commandment. Rest isn’t just a good idea. It’s what makes us human. When we lose sleep we become LESS human. We become robots. We become slaves to the work.
- Give the brain what it needs to recover so you can get the energy necessary for the work to heal.
[35:28 – 39:39] How to transition more effectively from things like failures, difficult conversations, or a tough day at work
- Get a routine and realize it’s sacred.
- The routine starts with breathing exercises. Not just during transitions, but ANYTIME you’re feeling strong emotions in your body.
- Continues with stretching. When we collect trauma in our body, it causes our muscles to get tight.
- Dr. G checks himself hour-by-hour and makes sure he’s present because that’s where the Spirit of the Lord is found…in our presence. If we’re not present, we may miss our help! When we’re present, we can get our help from God!
- Dr. G washes his hands and uses peppermint oil
- Prays this prayer: “God, help me!”
[39:40 – 46:11] What parents need to be doing amidst a mental health epidemic among children and teens
- “Parents…get help” (as simple as YouTube)
- Make yourself available to get the tools to be mentally strong and then apply them into your life first. Your kids live the message that YOU live. They’re learning from us and our habits.
- As you’re more calm and relaxed as a parent, your kids are learning in that moment. Just being the calm in the room can make a difference in a child that’s dysregulated.
[46:12 – 46:33] Wrapping Up
- Dr. G’s BIG domino
- How to connect with Dr. G
KEY QUOTES
“Trauma is ‘not your fault.’” – Dr. Stephen Galloza
“You can’t fight trauma alone.” – Dr. Stephen Galloza
“Rest isn’t just a good idea. It’s indispensable to living a meaningful and productive life.” – Dr. Stephen Galloza
“Give the brain what it needs to recover so you can get the energy necessary for the work to heal.” – Dr. Stephen Galloza
“Your kids live the message that YOU live.” – Dr. Stephen Galloza
“God’s message is in the mess.” – Dr. Stephen Galloza
CONNECT WITH DR. G
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stephengalloza
- Website: https://www.mydeeperjourney.com/
CONNECT WITH J.R.
- Facebook: @jamesJRreid
- Instagram: @jamesjrreid
- LinkedIn: in/jamesjrreid/
- Twitter: @jamesJRreid
- Website: jamesreid.com
- For Men Only – Check out The Clutch Club™️: jamesreid.com/club
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